An Exceeding Dissonance

NP: LEAF XCEED Music Division – Wherever The Wind Takes Me

We’re not getting any younger. I’m 25 years old, and have been constantly looking at my life in retrospect, through many aspects. While there are plenty of ways to go about it, they usually don’t have as much impact as looking at it in the sense of my journey through the world of music. I started music at a very young age, and I’m sure I’ve alluded to something relating to a toy xylophone somewhere on this website. I experienced the world of digital music composition at 14, and was very proud of that fact and what I was able to accomplish with just a keyboard, a mouse, and a program. After a decade or so of experiencing everything life has to offer me within that timeframe thus far, there were plenty of musical avenues I got to explore, including being in a band, MIDI, the world of Digital Audio Workstations/VSTs/sample libraries, audio production/engineering, vocal performances, and even periods/styles throughout music history from the ground up. As a musician, I have released three full-length compilations of works online, and probably even more if I gathered everything I released standalone from everywhere I decided to post them. I have a YouTube channel with more than a million cumulative views and two-thousand subscribers. My works have been used in film projects and casual video games. I guess to a lot of people that sounds pretty good, that I was able to accomplish all that.

But it’s not easy to stay happy. It’s not easy to be satisfied.
I wish I accomplished more.

In come people saying that maybe it’s not time yet, that I’ll get there someday, wherever it is that I want to be. I’m rushing when there is no reason to rush, and rushing will only be counterproductive to the general flow of my life. That these feelings of being unsatisfied are unnecessary and only caused by my own insecurity of my future in music, or generally just my future and the direction my life will take.

I won’t deny that. Maybe I’m frustrated at the general market/demographic of my most notable works being diluted, maybe I’m jealous that these people who forayed into what I did are better at doing it than myself, possessing skills I could only dream of having. Maybe I’m envious of the success, fame, and popularity that other musicians have over me, while I remain in a context both with factors I can and cannot control, that stifles my will and my music from flowering. Maybe I am so absolutely starved for some, or any, sort of validation/attention that all these years I’ve been doing something right, that I’m headed somewhere.

Maybe all of the above is true, or so I believe they are,
that I’m thinking in a pretty entitled manner, expecting lots of things to come to me even though it’s never the same story for everybody.

I love power metal and video game music. I’m generally afraid of exposing that side of me to friends and family, since I always felt afraid it wasn’t the norm, that I would ostracize myself in the process. Most of the music I end up composing are metal video game remixes, where it would honestly be a stretch to call it “metal” due to the huge video game influence, and how different it is to traditional metal subgenres (on top of the fact that it is all digitally-made and distinctly synthesized-sounding). I am pointing this out because if I wanted to achieve “success”, I’d be sharing my works to everybody, but I can’t help but feel a large percentage of that everybody will find my music alien, niche, and contrary to their tastes (I don’t even have that many people to share things to in the first place). Of course, there’s the internet. No way would I have gotten this far if my audience wasn’t international, for damn sure. There are people in countries out there that are more accepting of my preferred genres and composition styles. But with a wider audience (read: the world), the more difficult it is to stand out and be someone of note.

Does it mean then that my own measure of “success” for my music is that I get known because of it, that my music gets out there and is listened to, enjoyed, and appreciated by people? I suppose. Art is self-expression, but can you thrive as an artist if your only audience is yourself?

It’s all really frustrating, and in a life where I have so many things going on all at the same time nonstop, it doesn’t help that it’s ultimately difficult to get the time to focus on my musical endeavors. Sometimes I even think of stopping music for a while, but I don’t think I can ever separate music from my own identity, from my own goddamn soul. I feel it is music where I can accomplish the greatest things in my existence, in this world.

So I know I’ll never let go.
But will it ever be easier for me to stay?

~ by rtnario on April 9, 2018.

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