The Uncertainty Of Time
I’m pretty sure if someone took one look at the title, that someone would already be able to tell what exactly the contents of this blog post is. In the end, time waits for no one, and it has come to this.
The end of my stay in the Ateneo de Manila University is coming closer and closer, and so are all of the deadlines and final projects left to be done, bringing about an endlessly uneasy tension, like there’s always someone breathing down your neck. Putting that aside however and looking a bit more towards the future of things, there’s also the consideration of how life will be after this chapter closes. 17 years of education, and it’s time to get off the tracks and into the “mysterious” world outside the academe.
Now, close to the tail end of things, how has life been so far? Ever since that post full of youthful, enthusiastic energy about the start of things to come? It seems to me that even though absolutely no one knows where life would take them, I’m never really satisfied with the things that I actually were able to achieve, and am always looking at the things I didn’t, and of course, the chances I regret not taking.
Musically, with regards to anything LEAF XCEED Music Division related it’s obvious that the whole thing just kinda stopped. It’s an endless topic for me, but it’s ’cause I am always continuously working towards a way to make something out of it regardless of where life takes me. It was born out of humble MIDI beginnings and has established its own niche on the internet, but the problem is that that niche no longer resonates as strongly with me. I truly feel that the one behind LEAF XCEED Music Division years ago is a completely different person compared to the one behind it now, and while that person in the now has not stopped and will never stop evolving musically, he’s afraid to continue under that moniker in fear of failed expectation. I cannot separate the brand from the audience. I wonder if I should even keep the brand around, or just start using my own name.
At least with myself, I’ve expanded so much and I’ve experienced so many kinds of music. Things that my past self would have never imagined. However, if I want to pursue a serious career the way I want it ( as a freelance musician offering services preferably to the gaming industry ) then I have to work on an identity, on strengths, on connections, reputation, and presence. On the things that make me stand out. What if what made me stand out before is something I cannot accomplish anymore? The world does not choose the middle, you either have it or you don’t. I am still looking for a way to bring all my musical endeavors together, and perhaps when I do, I’ll be in a much better position.
As a person with life goals and career paths, I got into my desired course all right, but have been questioning my decision ever since. I shifted into Computer Science from Computer Engineering because of video games, because I thought software was cooler than hardware. While I will always associate myself with video games, I’ve lost a lot of whatever passion I had for them in college. What I do have are very specific interests, like retro games, first person shooters and indie titles, but even then I’m quite picky and not inclined to explore. Additionally, since LEAF XCEED Music Division is directly connected to video games, it’s not rocket science as to why that hasn’t been going anywhere.
Back into that course questioning though, Computer Science ended up really being about science with all the calculation, theories and whatnot. Some pretty interesting stuff for sure, but in my life I’ve always leaned towards the creation of things rather than the application of them. Ever since childhood, I’ve been this way, tinkering with toys, gadgets and hardware. If I knew that in the long run my heightened passion for video games would dissipate by college, I should’ve gone with something more reliable and assured. I do wonder if things would be different if the new course specifically about game development arrived earlier.
On the bright side of things throughout this university student tenure, I found the love of my life with whom I do want to build a future with, an internship experience in my favorite technology company, good friends, and wonderful experiences. Unfortunately, perhaps it’s in my nature to always be able to point out all my regrets still and wish they didn’t exist. There will always be plenty of things to work on, and time is the absolute overseer of any such effort.
Now that I am where I am, maybe the next thing for me to start recognizing is, that for every decision one makes in life, in turn, there will always be other decisions you didn’t make. I guess if I want to try and not feel bad about the regret from those chances, I have to take a closer look at the opportunities and chances that I did take, and appreciate them for what they are. If I’m not happy with ’em, then there’s the clear signal for me to choose more wisely, but if I am then I am. That’s it, really.
Here I am. Ramon Nario, graduating Computer Science student, minor in Music Literature, that amidst all the circumstances of the universe, still has hopes and dreams. I go through life with an open and expanded view of the world ( hopefully, at least ), with a loving partner, a thirst and passion for music, a liking for ( some ) video games, and still plenty of life choices to make that can lead me to all sorts of directions.
I used to go with a simple philosophy, that I will go wherever the wind takes me. Not too long ago, I wanted to be independent of the wind, stay put, and take more control of my life … but in doing so I conformed myself to the earth.
I think my next purpose is, to be the wind — be that which brings everyone and everything to where they ought to be, and I will follow.