Voluntary Ostracization

The first day of the summer semester just ended, and it was about time for lunch. Realizing that the entire lower floor of the cafeteria was full of students and the upper floor had all the seats in the world, indirectly proportional to the number of stalls open, my block basically decided to eat out. This was a block everyone expected I would no longer be part of, myself included due to my shifting plans, but then all the complications in the world happened and I’m still here. The result of that was becoming pretty detached to the block in general … which would explain why I’m not with them now.

Dead weight. I felt like it.

And I didn’t have a lot to begin with.

OstracizedTo exclude from a group.

Once upon a time, I only used context clues to have a little grasp at the meaning of this word, until my girlfriend helped me truly realize what its concrete meaning was. However, the difference between her story and mine is that it was something that couldn’t be helped for her, whilst mine is something that I actually chose. Though at this point in time I have much less of an idea about whether it’s for the better or not. I don’t know if it’s like this post I made before, because as of now I’ve hardly gotten to use the time alone for much productivity. People just end up getting annoyed, confused or pissed if anything without ever knowing the entire deal. Yet, I can’t force myself to just downright go with the flow because I still genuinely want to keep my peace of mind.

A lose-lose situation. Is the issue with me being stubborn and not seeking help, or me not being able to help myself at all when that might be exactly what a person like myself needs?

It’s weird. I like to see it all as multiple threads, all the things that have kept me going so far; those threads are the only things that keep me hanging. These threads have changed over time, or perhaps, it was I who chose to slowly loosen my grip on them only to find new ones I’ve never held on to before. However, right now, I’ve let go of way too many of them that I’m this close to falling; it’s just unbelievable that the new threads I found were ones that were so powerful that with them alone I could still hang. An insane stroke on luck and the work of fortuity, because I don’t know what would have happened if I had let go.

Now that I’m here though, and regardless of how scarred and tarnished I’ve become compared to back then, I remember something that my brother told me about.

No matter what, as humans, we have the ability to change.

Blazing fast or insanely slow, regardless of pace it’s still possible for everyone to change. It all depends on the person who wants it, and how much the person is willing to work for it. I may seem to be voluntarily ostracizing myself now, but I’m going to continue on finding ways to make that time productive. I’ve tried things, and they haven’t worked. So? I’ll try even more, because what matters is that I don’t ever stop trying.

Try, and try, and try, and try, and try.

Maybe then I’ll be able to find a way to keep holding on to the threads I’m holding on to now, as well as being able to hold on to the threads I’ve let go.

~ by rtnario on April 12, 2012.

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