Keep Your Distance
Inspired by Leila’s post.
One of the things I’ve noticed about myself that I don’t usually or never see in other people is the fact that I don’t feel the need to be constantly in-the-know about everything that friends know and talk about. This is not to say that I don’t care at all, that I’d much rather prefer to keep to myself, but what I mean is I find a certain peace of mind in being alone, on my own, doing whatever I feel, when I feel like it. It manifests itself in many ways, like me never usually initiating conversation or never easily opening up, as if it went hand in hand with my overly shy nature. Which it does, by the way.
Being naturally like this presents a good and bad side to things. On the good side, I feel free, relaxed, and my mind opens itself up completely to entertain any and all thoughts I may have, usually leading me into an abstract or creative state. Considering who I am and what I do, being creative is really important 😄 At this state also I find it easy to truly focus on things, which is why I can really listen to and appreciate music a lot more when that’s all I’m doing and nothing more. The feeling of choosing in a free environment…that’s what makes it so appealing to me.
On the bad side, people misconstrue my need to be alone as a rejection of their good intentions, most especially if their manners of thinking are far away in comparison to mine (which usually is the case). In fact, the person who’s post inspired this one just mentioned to me that I have this aura of being a workaholic when it comes to doing what I love most, which is half true and half false; half of the time I’m probably enjoying my peace instead of doing something with it.
I don’t want people to think I’m busy all the time. I don’t want people to think I reject them all the time, that I don’t appreciate their thoughts.
But then again, it’s difficult and awkward to tell people that I want to be alone.
So I resort to easy, comfortable ways of doing so, half hoping that the people in question would see…half hoping they don’t because I don’t like the idea that there’s a possibility of the whole point screwing up making life worse.
This makes me sound like a very unfriendly person. Perhaps I am. But for those who have felt this from me yet have continued to do their best to be friends with me, I genuinely thank you. For those who feel slighted by supposed ignorance, I’m sorry. And for those whom I attempt to reach out to, know that I don’t just do that without special reason…
…for those who’ll never know me personally, move along. Nothing to see here.